The next update on my fertility was supposed to be a pregnancy announcement.. it was supposed to be something like, "We're so excited about our next baby, I've been sick and it's been scary, but everything is going great." This is how it was supposed to happen. I always assumed 4 kids meant at least one miscarriage.. it made sense statistically, 5 pregnancies, 4 babies. This didn't make loosing my September baby easier, but mentally it made sense. I was not supposed to be the woman with 2 kids, a miscarriage, another early miscarriage, the blood work, the complications, the sad nurse's faces.... this is not how it was supposed to happen. On Friday I got a positive home pregnancy test. It didn't feel right. On Friday night, the bleeding started. Today, (Wednesday) it continues. This has been an entirely different experience than my last loss. There's not an attachment to the baby. The pain stems from the set back. Another month (or more) of waiting for a period, and then starting all over again with trying. And then there's the fear. What if I never carry a baby to term again? What if there is some underlying problem that is causing these miscarriages? What if there's no more babies for us? How, how am I every going to feel calm during a pregnancy again? How am I ever going to be able to walk out of a doctors office without tears in my eyes? On Saturday the pain was so overwhelming at times that I couldn't breath. Things are better now. I'm anxious to talk to my doctor. I should hear from him tomorrow when my second round on blood work comes back. I know this doesn't flow, or (probably) make much sense. But I wanted to write it down. I don't know that I will actually be posting this.
We lost that baby.
And yesterday, August 24, we lost our third baby to miscarriage. (6 weeks, 6 days)