Miscarriage III: Processing

You can read Part I and Part II

Wednesday, February 27, 2013, 4:10 pm

One week ago, there it was, no heart beat on the screen.  Today, I drove past the doctors office.  I could see myself, broken, standing the parking lot, crying.  It seems like an eternity ago.  The drugs maybe, the trauma maybe, it makes it seem like a dream.  Like there was never a baby, but the pain is to real for it too have been a dream.

I am not broken.  I will not fail.  This is not over.  I am going to win, and I am going to bring home a baby.

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Wednesday, March 6, 2013, 10:51 am

Two weeks.  Today my first bill came.  This one is from the blood work @ the doctors; when I was still pregnant.  It's not a large bill; insurance covered most of it.  While I would have paid this no problem if the situation was different, it's difficult to pay a bill for a baby that I will never hold.

Life in general has gotten better.  I feel physically stronger and pretty much normal.  Emotionally, I am recovering too.  I have graduated from sad days to just brief sad moments in an otherwise blessed life.  I read somewhere that most women will grieve hard for three months after a loss.  Miscarriage and a future conception dominate my thoughts.  Occasionally, I will think about something else, and then I rejoice in my healing.  Baby steps I guess.  (lol, no pun intended)

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Wednesday, March 13, 2013, 12:20 pm

Wednesdays are definitely my hardest days.  Today is two things: Three weeks from the day we found out, and what was supposed to be 12 weeks into my pregnancy   Today, I had my 12 week check up scheduled.  And today, or over the next couple of days, we would have made our announcements; facebook, siblings, friends and other family.

I did have a cool experience though.  Actually I have had many neat, faith building experiences, but this one I am willing to share.  Rewind, while I was still expecting, my friend, Johanna, announced at church that she was having a baby: September 10!  Just 2 weeks + 1 day before me.  I was very excited for her, and I thought it would be fun to be pregnant together, but we weren't announcing our pregnancy yet, so she didn't know I was expecting too.

So, when we lost the baby I knew that it would be difficult for me to watch Johanna progress the way that I was supposed to be progressing.  I tried to stay positive, and show love and support of her.  But then, 10 days after my D&C she announced that she is having twins.  And I was devastated, angry, and and jealous.  "She gets two babies and I get no babies?!"

I didn't like being that person, not at all.  I spent a lot of time praying, and scripture reading.  I really really wanted to be genuinely happy for her.  So, figuring this was a righteous desire, I prayed my brains out.  Then Johanna came to play group...and, it was great!  We talked about the babies, and the pregnancy and her preparations   And only once, when she mentioned her due date, I felt sad.  There was certainly no anger, or jealousy.  It was very healing.

Since then, healing has been my theme.  I went back to the gym on Monday.  Being back reminds me that my body is awesome.  I felt broken after the loss, but being able to do all the things I did before, reminds me that there's no reason I won't be able to have another baby.

I often go many consecutive days without crying, which is an emotional healing success.  Somehow the Lord planned for me to be teaching the youth about the atonement in the weeks after my loss.  And it's been wonderful to experience the healing power of the atonement   I would guess, that my testimony rings a little more powerful.

And so I progress, and life is wonderful.  Also, the weather seems to be improving with my healing.  :)

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Wednesday, March 20, 2013, 10:37 am

Because February is short, the 20th of February (the day of my ultrasound) and the 20th of March are both Wednesdays.

Yesterday I had my follow up with my OB.  My Doctor is incredible.  Miscarriage is so common (actually he had two women miscarrying yesterday) it would be easy to develop an attitude of "It happens to most people."  Instead he said, "Even though it's common, it doesn't make it less sad."  He's so sensitive and understanding, and I just can't say enough.  He answered all of my questions before I even asked them, and twice held my hand, looked straight into my face, and asked if I was doing okay. I know it sounds stupid, but he was just so great.

The appointment really turned into a "when you're pregnant again, very soon" discussion.  I left feeling more confident and healed than I have felt in a long time.  Later, while discussing my appointment with Brandon, He commented, "It sounds like closure."

And it does; it feels like closure.

I know my healing is not over.  I know there will still be hard days: negative pregnancy tests, September 25th my (once was) due date, when friends have babies, or announce pregnancies, or whatever tiny thing sends me over the edge.  I know it's not over, but I believe the worst is behind me.  Now, the majority of my thoughts are focused on what can be and not on what could have been.

I am infinitely grateful that I wrote this all down.  I am grateful for the spirit, my *almost* constant companion during this journey.  And I am grateful for Brandon and our renewed strength in marriage, and for my children who have become more miraculous to me, and for my family and friends who were rocks, ever patient, loving and kind.  And for my Heavenly Father, and His son, Jesus Christ, who, while I couldn't heal myself, healed my spirit.  And I am grateful for the future, ever bright.  It's going to be awesome.


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Wednesday, March 27, 2013, 4:18 pm

So what happens now?  Warning: this is a little TMI

I almost didn't write this; I thought I was done with last weeks entry.  But, I wanted to answer the question, in case you're wondering: what now?

Right now we're waiting.  My OB asked us to wait until my after my first period to start trying again.  It can take 4-8 weeks after "completed miscarriage" for the period to return.  It's been 5 weeks (tomorrow) so, we're waiting (arg) for that first period and then we'll start trying again.  And maybe, if we're lucky, there will be a "We're pregnant!" post in the next few months.